So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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