Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
