my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
