Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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