DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
