listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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