I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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