Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
