walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
