tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
