I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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