I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
