Redeem this text for a blowjob
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
