just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
