Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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