Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
