Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
