You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
