dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
