I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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