Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
