I could have mohawked her pubes.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
