I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
