I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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