yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
