Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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