Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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