So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.