I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
