Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You've changed since you got that strap on
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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