just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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