you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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