it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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