you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
