I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
