So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
