nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
