Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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