we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Send help, water and tortillas.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
