You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
