I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
