Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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