I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
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He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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