Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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