just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I need a beard to bite.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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