is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
