By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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