he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
please come you make the beer taste better
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
