oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's blow job season.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
