theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
