I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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