I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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