why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
