I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
