she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
