if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
