So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
